I am proud of myself today because this time last year I was super depressed (this is how I refer to my illness, because I am also always super) and today my story got posted on the Time to Talk Lancaster website! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Here's the link to the actual site, which is looking lovely- set up by the LUSU VP for Welfare and Community. They do a great job and it's beautiful to see so many people at uni caring about mental health.It is surprisingly not that difficult to talk about myself in this way anymore, guess that came with practice! What was difficult was trying to break down what was important in this context, and how I could write the least words with the most impact, because at the end of the day, I am not super depressed anymore so really my story only matters in terms of helping other people; so if anyone ever wants to chat about anything mental health related I would love to.
Here goes, another deep post, not even sorry.
Everybody seems to have difficulty being honest, no matter what their situation; I personally love the truth, but mental illness made things different. Looking back over the year, I know that the truth is definitely a major factor in setting you free, and it’s the truthful stories of others, although painful, that bring people together. This is what Time to Talk is all about; not making a bid for pity, but sharing your story to help others- in their own story and understanding yours. Here’s mine…
This time last year I had just started taking sertraline after 6 months of anxiety-induced depression. I was exhausted and desperate; I went on a night out with still-bleeding arms. No one said a word about it. I didn’t know whether I was sad or happy about that; I didn’t want people to know that I was weak and hoped they didn’t notice, but I wanted someone to care about me enough to say something. I know now how hard it is to call someone out on their problems.The summer, which had been so full of hope, was pretty terrible. I had read online that depression resulted from something wrong in your life or in your mindset, and that it was actually a positive thing because it forced you to examine and re-evaluate your life and change it for the better.I did not want to believe this. It would have been a lot easier to cut myself off from everyone, and I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be a normal person anyway. I couldn’t stay awake long enough to keep up with my uni work, I couldn’t concentrate, and living with other people was too much for me to deal with. The counsellors, the psychologists, everyone kept telling me I could just think my way out of it. I did not want to believe this. I suppose I was too tired to try.But I had to tell people what was going on, partly because it was really difficult to otherwise justify why I was acting so oddly. I found that it was mostly greeted with quiet acceptance, which was actually all I needed, but also when I opened up, other people did too. This took away a big chunk of reasons to be anxious; whenever I was having a panic attack, I wasn’t worrying about being a liar because I wasn’t pretending to be fine anymore. And I knew I wasn’t alone.
In the end, it wasn’t really meds that worked for me (after sertraline, I was put on citalopram and then fluoxetine), but going to therapy every week and going through everything I was feeling and trying to work out why, if there even was a why. I was prescribed Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), which is a pretty weird technique, but it really did work for me to physically process all my distressing memories.Now, I just keep looking back over the past year and can’t believe how far I’ve come! I am constantly surprised that I don’t feel sad for no reason anymore, and I don’t get anxious about the little things; I want to shout from the rooftops that recovery is possible! It might take a lot of effort, but fighting back is the only option.
So that’s my story… I know that I can’t give anybody any advice (and from personal experience know that no one would take it anyway because I certainly didn’t!). But I hope that a little bit of honesty can help people realise that mental health problems are normal, and although there is no quick fix, anyone struggling should definitely seek help and not give up.
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