Something I'm Proud Of

I am proud of myself today because this time last year I was super depressed (this is how I refer to my illness, because I am also always super) and today my story got posted on the Time to Talk Lancaster website! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Here's the link to the actual site, which is looking lovely- set up by the LUSU VP for Welfare and Community. They do a great job and it's beautiful to see so many people at uni caring about mental health.

It is surprisingly not that difficult to talk about myself in this way anymore, guess that came with practice! What was difficult was trying to break down what was important in this context, and how I could write the least words with the most impact, because at the end of the day, I am not super depressed anymore so really my story only matters in terms of helping other people; so if anyone ever wants to chat about anything mental health related I would love to.
Here goes, another deep post, not even sorry.

Everybody seems to have difficulty being honest, no matter what their situation; I personally love the truth, but mental illness made things different. Looking back over the year, I know that the truth is definitely a major factor in setting you free, and it’s the truthful stories of others, although painful, that bring people together. This is what Time to Talk is all about; not making a bid for pity, but sharing your story to help others- in their own story and understanding yours. Here’s mine… 

This time last year I had just started taking sertraline after 6 months of anxiety-induced depression. I was exhausted and desperate; I went on a night out with still-bleeding arms. No one said a word about it. I didn’t know whether I was sad or happy about that; I didn’t want people to know that I was weak and hoped they didn’t notice, but I wanted someone to care about me enough to say something. I know now how hard it is to call someone out on their problems.The summer, which had been so full of hope, was pretty terrible. I had read online that depression resulted from something wrong in your life or in your mindset, and that it was actually a positive thing because it forced you to examine and re-evaluate your life and change it for the better.I did not want to believe this. It would have been a lot easier to cut myself off from everyone, and I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be a normal person anyway. I couldn’t stay awake long enough to keep up with my uni work, I couldn’t concentrate, and living with other people was too much for me to deal with. The counsellors, the psychologists, everyone kept telling me I could just think my way out of it. I did not want to believe this. I suppose I was too tired to try.But I had to tell people what was going on, partly because it was really difficult to otherwise justify why I was acting so oddly. I found that it was mostly greeted with quiet acceptance, which was actually all I needed, but also when I opened up, other people did too. This took away a big chunk of reasons to be anxious; whenever I was having a panic attack, I wasn’t worrying about being a liar because I wasn’t pretending to be fine anymore. And I knew I wasn’t alone.

In the end, it wasn’t really meds that worked for me (after sertraline, I was put on citalopram and then fluoxetine), but going to therapy every week and going through everything I was feeling and trying to work out why, if there even was a why. I was prescribed Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), which is a pretty weird technique, but it really did work for me to physically process all my distressing memories.Now, I just keep looking back over the past year and can’t believe how far I’ve come! I am constantly surprised that I don’t feel sad for no reason anymore, and I don’t get anxious about the little things; I want to shout from the rooftops that recovery is possible! It might take a lot of effort, but fighting back is the only option.

So that’s my story… I know that I can’t give anybody any advice (and from personal experience know that no one would take it anyway because I certainly didn’t!). But I hope that a little bit of honesty can help people realise that mental health problems are normal, and although there is no quick fix, anyone struggling should definitely seek help and not give up.

The End of an Era.

So I've decided to start blogging because I think it's a good way to write about my impending move to Germany and what I get up to there, as well as all the other thoughts I might think. Since I'm me, and about to leave Lancaster for a whole year, I'm starting deep.


I'm leaving.

I can't decide whether I am lucky or unlucky to have a gap year; it's great that I get a year off uni to explore, learn German and gain work experience... But it is the end of an era for me, and not for most of my friends who continue on, finish sooner, and enter the real world a whole year before me.

At the end of the day, everybody is on their own journey; it's just that mine's currently more physical and involves more money (woooops need to apply for student finance like right now) and many more forms. We've just had a preparation week for everyone going abroad, so hopefully feeling more organised now- I'm all to aware of the need to apply for Erasmus grants, and "registering" my employment and accommodation in Germany, as well as getting a new bank account, insurance and a different phone contract... I CAN DO THIS.
But now I'm thinking, maybe everybody else needs a preparation week too?
I try to take a lot of time to figure out what I want out of life and evaluate my behaviour (which doesn't really ever end well). I think it's a good practice though; if people took some time before the beginning of an era to figure out what they want, there'd be way less people running around like headless chickens, myself included.

So what is my goal? To be honest, even though I've had all this week to prepare, but in terms of personal goals I haven't thought past Sunday; this involves not having a breakdown as I say goodbye to my Lancs friends and tell them "Emmm, not sure when I'll see you again...bye.." It's a weird feeling. I am really excited to move to a different country again (I'd be a lot more excited if I had my accommodation, but I suppose I just have to be patient..!), but I'm obviously not liking the idea of leaving my friends and them being gone whenever I come back.
I have made arrangements though! So friends are visiting me, I'm meeting various people in Europe, and I'll be taking a little Lancaster holiday next June for Grad Ball and Extrav. That and staying in touch with people (using the blog, obvs), is the most I can do really.

And as for next year, I just want to speak German, work hard and make friends. That's all you could really ask from a new era.

My card from the lovely Alice